When I leave Baby at the local day care center, I do not expect them to style her hair. After what I saw the other day, I am going to insist that they never treat my daughter’s hair like that again. Just take a look at these photos, and you’ll see what I mean.

Which way is straight?

How do I undo this?!

The carnage.

I got home late from work the day that this was done, after Baby had already been settled into bed. When I leaned into her crib and ran my hand over her puffs, I asked Hubby who did her hair and why, considering that I sent her to school in a presentable, pretty curly afro. There was no need to do her hair. Hubby is hair clueless, so he just shrugged and figured it saved him the trouble of  having to brush and untangle that night. Say what?!?! The next morning I saw this horror show in the full morning sun. I was hopping mad! My child’s hair was sectioned off in these CRAZY parts and bound up in … rubber bands. And they sent her outside like that!

Who does that?!?  When caring for Black and bi-racial children’s hair, the three key words are moisture, moisture, moisture.  If you’re going to put in ponytail holders, use scrunchies from Goody’s or little mini ones that are soaked in coconut oil or olive oil first. Common, dry rubber bands from Staples or who knows where DO NOT belong in a black baby’s hair.

It took me a few long minutes of trying to get these office supplies out of my daughter’s hair. Finally, I had to cut them out, because the rubber bands and her hair were so entangled. She was getting upset, impatient and I had to really be firm with her to get her to sit still and let me finish the job.

After I signed Baby in at day care the next day (Hubby and I had a couple of of other priorities to discuss with the teacher, so this waited a day), I asked the teacher about it. She explained that Baby and her best pal, a little boy, were roughhousing and she was afraid that the hair pulling would get out of control and that Baby would get hurt. OK, so we identified the good intentions that paved this road to hell. (I’m exaggerating, of course. But look at this mess!!) I explained that the rubber bands were a problem, because they were very dry, made her strands brittle, and caused some breakage when I removed and finally had to cut them out. She immediately apologized and said she would try to avoid that. So then I felt bad for wanting to read the woman her rights. Melanie is a young woman, about 23, sweet as pie and always is so warm and nurturing to Baby. How could I be mean when she apologized over and over?

When I was young, my mother, aunts, friends of my mother and other guardian women types would always tell me not to let other people touch my hair. My mother wasn’t super rigid about that, and neither am I. If the teacher had “good hands” and could fashion pretty cornrows or other things, I might not mind. But this? And from a Latina, who should know something about curly styles?  Oh no. As a compromise, I said I would leave scrunchies in Baby’s cubby hole or her bag so that if the ever get possessed with the same idea (I didn’t use those words), at least the equipment will be gentle on her hair. Maybe I’ll leave a multi-purpose comb in there too, and a hint: could you at least part it straight? Sigh.

As for Hubby, I obviously have some more training to do to get him through the basics of brushing and untangling at night!

Normally, Hubby and I disagree about the amount of effort that should go into styling Baby’s hair. I think it’s essential for her to look cute and presentable at all times, and as you can tell from the photo of her hair supplies, I take this responsibility at least halfway seriously. This will pretty much be the extent of what I can manage, although it’s nothing compared to the system that Nikki over at Beads, Braids & Beyond has come up with.

Hubby is not as interested in styling Baby’s hair as I am. On the few occasions when I’ve left the house early for work and left her morning grooming to him, I’ve come home to look at her outfit and hair and wonder, ‘Why does Baby look like a hobo?’

But we do agree on one thing: Baby’s hair has failed to recover from the rapid thinning that I discussed a few weeks ago, and something should be done about it. Hubby was holding Baby the other day before settling her in her crib when he looked at her head and asked me when we were going to cut her hair. I muttered something that sounded like, “After Easter. I want her to have some hair for Easter pictures.” You heard me right. I am considering cutting off all my daughter’s hair and giving it a fresh start. Her receded hairline is not responding to her new regimen. I lightly brush shea butter and judicious amount of infant and toddler hair care products through her hair. I rub it onto her scalp. I’ve cut back on washing it, and I avoid over styling it. I leave it loose at times, just putting clips in the front or a headband, and sometimes I let it fly free with no ornaments at all. Those are Afro days, and I try to dress her in an earthy-looking outfit to match. But her hair is still very thin on both sides of her head from the front right up to her ears.

I know what you all must be thinking. Black women cherish their hair and want it to grow. Why in the world would I cut off my daughter’s locks? It’s a big deal for me, too. When Hubby first suggested it, I thought he was totally clueless and I think I told him to go soak his head! But I’ve been asking around about this, and what I’ve found is that several women from various cultures swear by it. There is the African-American hair dresser who did it to her daughter, a Dominican salon owner who heard it from an Argentine and then shaved her baby girl’s head, and an Indian woman who said her mother, apparently following a Brahmin Hindu tradition, cut her hair. In all cases, she little girls were between one and two years old, just like Baby, and their hair began to grow back quickly and thicker than it had started out.

The African-American hairdresser told me that her daughter, who is not biracial, had sparse, thin hair for a while, despite her efforts to cultivate it and get it to grow. After she shaved her head, it grew back long and thick, and she showed me before and after photos of her darling girl. The Dominican hair dresser said it corrected her daughter’s receding hairline. The Indian woman said it is customary for those girls to have their heads shaved shortly after they turn one.

So women all over the world do this, it seems. But only Black women have been skeptical about it. Most of them tell me not to worry, to give Baby’s hair time to transition and recover naturally. One friend from church said to forget those other women, because it only worked for them. When Hubby and I had friends over for dinner on St. Valentine’s Day and I brought it up, Little Sister and her friend Selena shook their heads. Selena was a little wide-eyed and said if I cut Baby’s hair, it might grow in weaker and thinner. Little Sister flat out says ‘Don’t do it!’

But I’m at the point where I’m tired of seeing strands come out in Baby’s wide-toothed comb. In the tub. On my clothes. On her clothes. Her hair is not falling out in clumps, but I still hate to see it everywhere. I feel like breaking a cultural taboo and trying what women all over the globe have done for their daughters—start afresh. And if those tales of thick, wavy new growth are true, I might just have to get more hair ornaments for Baby’s new mane!

Every morning and evening a minor skirmish erupts between Baby and me over whether I should style her hair or not.  Baby is now 15 months, and she has never been cool with it, even though her hair is very soft and generally easy to comb. In the past, she would try to squiggle out of my lap, crying incessantly as I tried to part her hair and twist the sections into what I grew up calling ‘Chinie bumps’. (These days, people call them Bantu knots.) Although Baby is biracial, and her hair texture is fine and downy—still very babylike—managing her mane is not a snap. If I don’t twist it or spray some detangler on it occasionally, it will become very knotty.

Hubby didn’t always make it easy. Sometimes he would come into the nursery or our bedroom, just to see ‘what the ruckus’ was all about. Baby can be a real Daddy’s Girl sometimes, so she would occasionally look up at him, pout and squeeze out a huge teardrop or two. And once or twice, she reached her chubby arms up to him, awaiting rescue. He would make comments that made hair combing sound like an ordeal. ‘Oh! Here comes the comb!’ or ‘It’s almost over.’ I would patiently explain that if I didn’t twist her hair at night, then come morning her hair would be twice as knotty and the real battle would ensue!  Despite her protests, and Hubby’s remarks, I kept working on her hair. I began to use a moisturizer from Just for Me, just a dab at night to make twisting it easier or so her brush wouldn’t get snagged in her hair in the morning.

The other day she did the funniest thing on the changing table just before bedtime. After I had lotioned her up, diapered her and tucked her into her pajamas, she rubbed her palms together and ran her hands through her hair! Could it be that she was imitating the moisturizing ritual? Too cute.

Now something has happened to make me worry: her edges are thinning out. At first, I hoped that she was passing through a phase where her hair was changing from slick and downy to thick and wavy. But it’s hard not to notice the change, especially in photos like these.

How long would this hair loss continue? Hubby took up arms against the “chemicals” in Just for Me, going online to research the ingredients and asking me over and over if putting “that stuff” in her hair was necessary. As it turns out, the information he found verified that Just for Me is safe for kids. But I wanted to halt the thinning (and hopefully grow a thick head of hair like her mom), so I went looking for answers. Her pediatrician said she might be passing through a phase, but that we could consult a dermatologist if we were really worried. Another black mom told me that her daughters also had delicate edges, and that sometimes using hair bands and wool hats in the winter also tugging and shedding on that delicate area. I also found an article on the Naturally Curly Web site about common mistakes that women make while managing biracial childrens’ hair. Some of my missteps were in that article, like washing Baby’s hair too often and using mineral oil (initially to clear up her cradle cap) for too long. I re-read the “Just for Me” product labels and sure enough, the moisturizer contains mineral oil. So, I’m now on the hunt for hair care products infused with avocado, olive and jojoba oils, which are also formulated especially for babies and toddlers. I’ll probably end up using Curly Qs’ products, because I’ve seen good reviews about them in a couple of different places. Hubby, bless his heart, remains wary about commercial hair care products for babies. He would probably be just as happy if I let her hair lock up if doing so would ensure peaceful bedtime and morning hair rituals. The only problem with that is—we are not Rastafarians!

And anyway, I think Baby and I have come to a nice understanding on this issue. The other night, after I got her into her p.j.’s, I lay her on her tummy and began to twist her hair. She didn’t try to scramble away or howl for the whole neighborhood to hear. She just lay there quietly while I talked to her, working as quickly and gingerly as I could, until I patted the last twist into place. Then I picked her up, gave her a final squeeze for the day and set her in her crib. She smiled up at me before I walked away and turned off the light. Part of me gloated, saying ‘Ha! Take that skeptical Hubby!’ But the bigger part of me simply enjoyed the ceasefire.

* Quick note: There is a new Web site in the blog roll, called Beads, Braids & Beyond. It follows a mom of two biracial daughters (and I think the mom herself is biracial) as she manages their hair. She is a hairstyling artisan and comes up with quite a few creative looks. (I mourn for my daughter at times. The best I can do at the moment is pigtails, because I’m all thumbs when it comes to cornrows!)