Baby’s Most Important Connection Yet

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My in-laws live almost 900 miles away from New Jersey, tucked in a two-story log cabin-style house in the foothills of the Appalachian mountain range, the part that touches the Deep South. We see them twice a year, yet my daughter has always known their faces and been familiar with them, thanks to the miracle of Skype. Hubby would carry her over to his desk when she was just weeks old, and hold her up to the camera while he chatted with his family.

This weekly Skype ritual is an extension of my in-laws’ already well-established habit of calling each other every week, to talk about … whatever. OK, it’s mostly their sharply opposing political views. (Sometimes the arguing gets to the point where I wish this family would just take up sports.)

Now it is my family’s turn to reach out and touch someone. I placed a Skype call to my mother the other day, mainly so that Baby could get an up close visual of the maternal grandmother that she doesn’t know, and whom she has been asking about lately. After Baby broke the ice in her usual manner of parading her favorite stuffed animals, they settled in for an hour to talk about school, church and extra-curricular activities. Baby even tried to show her grandmother a few of her acrobatic moves.

It was a nice little video call, and there might be many more. What my mother doesn’t know is that we already semi-regularly call my father in Canada. My daughter and Hubby get on the phone with him, and it’s a funny thing to hear this gruff-voiced Jamaican man patiently draw his shy grand-daughter into conversation.

The Skype call with my mother was a relief. I really started to feel that my daughter was losing her connection with her Jamaican and Black heritage. As it is, she doesn’t identify as Black, and barely has a concept of what it means to be mixed. She’s probably thinking, ‘Mixed with what?’ Most of the time she sees her white relatives, and I’m the exception in the mix, the one likely explanation for her tightly curly hair and dark coloring. I’ve explained over and over that her ‘Black’ grandparents are from Jamaica, but I think that without personal contact, it’s all just abstract in her mind. I do have loving and supporting cousins who live about an hour’s drive from us, and we make efforts to get together and stay in touch. In the back of my mind I always hope that Baby knows she belongs as much with them as she does with me. I think it’s important for her to understand all of she is, with careful emphasis on her Black heritage. In these United States, where the dominant culture doesn’t always celebrate her type of beauty or see as much value in her as it would her white cousins, it can be disheartening after a while. She might be tempted to respond in ways that won’t ultimately have a healthy outcome. Maybe she’ll want to change her appearance, in an attempt to go along and get along. I want her to have positive things to hold onto from my side, so that no one can make her feel less than.

All this keeping in touch is a novelty for my family. My mother, father and I have never been a family unit in any sense of the word. My parents never married and went their separate ways right after I was born. I’ve met the guy twice in my life, the first was during a long weekend, when I was seven and my mother brought me to Toronto to see him. He sat me on his lap and held my hands in his as he steered the car. He had a smooth voice back then, and maybe a short afro. The second meeting happened when I was seven months pregnant with my daughter. I rode the Amtrak for 12 hours from New York to Toronto. While the passengers disembarked the train, I noticed him right away on the crowded platform. It wasn’t because I remembered his face. He was the handsome older man smiling broadly and practically stepping over other people to get to me.

There was an opportunity, when I was pre-school aged and living in Jamaica, for me to get acquainted with my oldest half brother. But my family snuffed out that idea rather quickly.

All this distance is symbolic of the ongoing estrangement from both my parents: In my father’s case, I barely know him, because my family kept him away when I was growing up. As for my mother, it is because we have a relationship that I would call touch and go. I know that as time passes people get more and more set in their ways.

So here is to important baby steps in bridging chasms and repairing breaches. I just hope that for the sake of helping my child develop a solid sense of her identity, my parents can get over their hangups and keep making those important connections.

 

 

 

Marshana’s New Real-Life Interracial Boo?

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Some women might give up on interracial love if she had a bad experience, particularly if the relationship ended in a public breakup — and I mean a nationally televised rejection like what you see on “The Bachelor.” That’s what happened to Marshana Ritchie, one of the women competing for the attention of Matthew Grant on the “London Calling” cycle of the farce TV dating reality show. Marshana, who is Black, was cut before the hometown dates, which I doubt had anything to do with him hesitating to introduce her to his white parents and brother. The Bachelor is from England, and anyone who is familiar with that country knows that mixed couples, even ones where the woman is Black, are frequent.

Well, Marshana is taking another chance at televised interracial love, in a new BravoTV “unscripted” series called “Friends to Lovers.” I did a double take on her new boo, Stephan, who looks mixed to me. I’m not sure exactly how to place his background, but I think I see a phenotype other than strictly Black in his face, complexion and even his body build.  Anyway, check out a snippet from the show here:

http://www.bravotv.com/friends-to-lovers/season-1/videos/friends-to-lovers-show-me-you-know-me?clip=2834900

When she was on The Bachelor, I Googled Marshana, and she turned out to be a far more interesting person than she was portrayed on the show. She won some kind of contest or pageant, where she represented an environmentalist group. Think Miss America and a Miss Greenpeace, only a lot more charming on the latter part. She created a blog about appearances that she was making around Portland, the Pacific Northwest and other states, educating people about ecologically sound ways to live.

So we’ll see how this pans out for Marshana. She seems smart, and more substantial than a lot of reality dating contestants, so many of whom pursue acting careers after their Unscripted” dramas wrap up. Hopefully, she’ll find happiness when the cameras stop rolling, too!

What do you think? Would you get back in the saddle and cross over again after a failed interracial relationship?

Sex and Living Single, In Accra

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A few months ago a friend of mine texted me a link to a Web series, “An African City,” a scripted Web series that followed the lives of five West African women returnees. They strive to manage successful careers, balance cultural traditions with “First World” sensibilities, and of course, look for love.

I’m looking for more episodes of this series, so I hope the creators bring us a second season! The first 10 episodes were entertaining, if a little derivative of familiar TV series like “Living Single” and “Sex and the City.” My favorite character in the series so far — the outfits. Truly, the costume designer/wardrobe manager is keeping these ladies in some fine threads, and everyone looks great. To me, the epitome of style and fashion is to blend traditional prints with cutting-edge lines, a la Clara Design.

The characters leave a little to be desired, and that’s probably because the writer-director has to leave room for external and internal conflict. A character’s flaws and failings are what drive stories forward. It’s just that the flaws in these characters — like why the always seem to be offended by local customs and local men — don’t seem to make a lot of sense. For instance, in the opening scene of the first episode, NaNa Yaa takes great offense to being mistaken for a foreigner by a customs agent. She indignantly rolls her eyes at him, insisting that she is Ghanaian — yet she doesn’t speak the native language, not even enough to be passably conversant. She is rusty on essential etiquette, like passing objects with your right hand only, not your left. What else is a busy customs agent with common sense supposed to think, except that she might be an Black native of England, Canada, the U.S. or Jamaica?

And that’s pretty much the way the series works. The ladies meet up in trendy restaurants all over Accra and decry the latest affront to their feminist First World sensibilities. It just seems like the characters flew back to Ghana but never really mentally left the big cities abroad. Yes, water and electricity interruptions are aggravating. I drink lots of water. Plus, I wear my hair natural (under my wigs, ha ha) and I can’t imagine not letting a steamy shower help moisturize my hair at night. But during Ep. 9, “#TeamSade, #TeamN’gozi,” three of the women are at a social dinner with highly placed government officials, and they brought oppressive attitudes with them the whole time. Ultimately, storming off and barking at their friend to follow seemed less about empowerment and more about being self-centered and spoiled.

Many of the characters’ flaws and baffling contradictions were all on display in that episode. For instance, let’s look at:

N’gozi: She is a Christian, and I appreciate that she is counted among the group. A lot of West Africans identify as Believers. But why was she written to be so vapid and whiny? I know few Christian women who are as angst-ridden as she is, or who let her harridan “friends” boss her around so much. Also, why do the characters have to heap so much scorn on N’gozi for practicing abstinence and vegetarianism? The former lifestyle choice isn’t a ridiculous one, particularly given the high HIV infection rate in Africa. Isn’t abstinence just another wise option for a woman “empowered” top make choices for the good of her body and her health? Also, N’gozi is not a proselytizing nuisance. She is a conscientious employer, reluctant to keep her driver idling while she goes about her whims about town with her friends. It just seems like the writer is expressing a bias against piety and self-restraint, and it comes through in the form of  a tolerance deficit on the part of her friends.

Sade: I thought educated, resourceful women didn’t need to trade sex for material goods. Had Sade practiced her Accra lifestyle in Massachusetts, she would have been labeled a gold digger a long time ago.

And yet, if a new season is created and posted, I’ll be watching and looking for the same things everyone else wants. Bring on the killer fashions, the beat hair and flawless makeup, and don’t forget the cute guys. I just hope the show’s creators remembers flesh out the characters in a way that makes more rational sense. Return the returnees!

Don’t Look Now, but He’s Flirting

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It’s holiday party time, and the Singletons are decking the halls, and themselves; they are gifting and mingling. I came across a childhood friend’s social media update, where she mentioned that she suspected a White guy at work was flirting with her. She said it was the oddest thing, because she hadn’t experienced anything like that before.

jourdan

Well, actually, it probably has happened to her before. I’ve known that young lady for years, and she has always been beautiful inside and out. She, her mother and her sister are all cut from the same fine, luxurious, beautiful fabric. In any case, I suggested that it had happened before, but she was just noticing it because men outside our race are being bolder about stepping to us.

Dating and flirtation have always been potentially treacherous undertakings for men and women, fraught with the dangers of misread intentions, fumbles and deflating rejections. But it seems like you hear more stories these days about White guys wanting to approach with Black women, and asking how he can get her attention. I’ve had front-row seats to the spectacle of really handsome White guys trying and failing to get the attention of Black women. Only to be totally overlooked, like she didn’t know he was there.

And the objects of their attention aren’t strictly the Mowry twins type, either. These are slim, professional, articulate and desirable Black women. And did I mention that they include the types with dark skin and short hair? Men of all cultures have always openly admired world-class women like Lupita N’yongo, Whitney Houston and Diana Ross. But for us commoners, the admiration has been less obvious.

In my case, it was a mixed bag. There was one guy who seemed supremely confident, which is attractive in and of itself, and never held back. He flirted so much that people in the office thought for sure that we were dating, even though we weren’t. And then there was the super subtle one who kept offering to make me popcorn. I think he might have been trying to break the ice in his own way. But who knows?

Ladies, here is the point: Be aware, and be polite! If you want to date, and aren’t averse to being immersed in someone else’s way of life for a spell, then pay attention to what’s going on around you. If he isn’t your cup of tea, so be it. Just be cognizant of things that are happening around you.

Let’s Be Authentic While Bucking Propaganda

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Can we have a quick “family conversation?” Good. I was making my usual rounds on social media when I came across a couple of IGs featuring young Black fathers with their daughters. Needless to say, the girls were super cute. But the posts, like the one below, went slightly off track in their description.

I might have written a caption that said, “Big up Daddy!” Or, “A father and his princesses.” But to be totally honest, this one left me feeling like I was on the receiving end of propaganda, as it was written.

It was a feeling similar to the one you had in college, when one of the “conscious” brothers tried to flatter you by calling you a “Nubian Queen.” Or some other kind of royalty. Can we all agree that most Black people in North America are likely to be descended from the Ashanti, Igbo, and other West African tribes, and not the Nubian region? And also that the first wave of African slaves who came to regions like Louisiana (cough: ‘Look it up, Raven. No excuses!’) were not all snatched from their royal courts by malevolent European slavers.

The intentions are noble, and the sentiment is sweet, but scenes like this don’t dominate Black life. When looking at the state of Black men in America, the shockingly high rates of kids being raised by single parents (mostly mothers), and the state of children and of Black families, it’s clear that this is an aspirational representation of Black fatherhood. Many more fall short of this ideal. Of course this doesn’t mean we should never publish heartwarming and positive images of committed Black fathers when we find them. The Huxtables are alive and well in many enclaves of Black affluence. But we need to be realistic, and acknowledge that the markers of well-being that would get Black men to that photo are not being met in big numbers. I also want to be fair and point out that the fact sheet linked above indicates that blatant racism and economic disenfranchisement is still an obstacle for solid, stand up Black men.

Let me also point out that nobody beats up on Black men in my house. Despite what misogynist trolls tell themselves and their delusional lemmings about Black women dating out, I didn’t get into this relationship because I was running away from Black men, or had given up on them. Or that none of them would have me. This has never been about bashing Black men.

And it didn’t take a recent rash of unjustified, brutal and cold-blooded killings of unarmed Black men to bring out my respect for Black men. I’ve always regarded Black men as grown adults who should be able to take criticism as well as praise. I’m not pitying or coddling Black men, because the good ones don’t need pandering, hovering mama types to give the world the impression that Black men do no wrong.

Either way you look at it, we have flaws that need to be fixed, not sugar coated. I agree with seeing positive images like this in the media, but be authentic about it. We need to take a step back, and with an attitude of love and goodwill, endeavor to get the vast majority of Black men back to this level. The Huxtables haven’t gone away. They’re just a little harder to reach than they’ve been in the past.

Lupita Delivers Another Beautiful Speech at Glamour Awards

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This is becoming a habit.

Lupita attends a high-profile press event or Hollywood award show and delivers a heartfelt and inspiring speech that goes viral. Excerpts (or full videos) are embedded in blogs like this one, and snippets are used for memes circulated on Twitter, in discussion forums and eventually become inspirational quotes. This time, the event is Glamour magazine’s “Women of the Year” awards, and once again Lupita showed up and showed us what true beauty is.

Here’s a link to the full video, with an introduction from one of her early mentors.

Hollywood might be slow to catch on to Lupita’s perfections, but magazine editors really like her. Of course, one notable exception to that is Vanity Fair. Greydon Carter, the editor in chief there, is the beholder through which the magazine’s faithful readers see celebrity life, and he seems to have a general aversion to acknowledging Black beauty front and center too often, lest anyone get any radical ideas about what represents female attractiveness. Well, nevermind all that. Lupita has already had Vogue and Glamour.

And I’d much rather watch a video of hers, because she’s usually up to something intelligent and commendable, than see a creation of plastic surgery and hyper-contouring — and mother who ought to be ashamed of herself — be so desperate for attention that she drops her clothes for a little bit of paper.

The Very Best of Her Generation

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Genius strikes again. Just when you thought that Whitney White, known in blogging and vlogging circles as Naptural85, had exhausted her reserve of natural care topics, think again. If you thought she had tapped out her repertoire of creative and attractive styling techniques  — or as the carping crepehangers in discussion forums put it, had gotten boring — you need to rethink that. No, recant!

Check out her video on DIY faux locs, and you’ll see what I mean:

Ingenious, right? Neutralizing synthetic hair in an apple cider vinegar solution so it doesn’t irritate your scalp, then wrapping your natural twists in a single layer of added hair instead of two, so it doesn’t weigh you down. This might be something I try myself — with one major adjustment. I’m all thumbs and no patience when it comes to my natural hair. I’ve always prioritized everything else over cultivating my 4C grade of hair in life, so I’m pretty sure I’ll have to recruit someone with the dexterity and diligence to help me.

And since I’m in the Royal Court of Basic B*tches, the HRH Duchess of Hair Fails — why you lookin’ bug-eyed, though?? Y’all know that on my worst days, when you see me on the train, in the coffee shop or in Macy’s, you drag me to an inch of my life. Sometimes to my face. It’s all good. If I can bring a few moments of joy to your second chins and the batwings that used to be your triceps, I consider it a public service. But — ahem, s’cuse me — all of that brings me to the second video I want to share, Naptural85’s “Edgy Curly Wash & Co Hairstyles.” You can use it on almost any texture, and it’s also a good trick to camouflage hair fails.

So if you ever get to wondering who holds the title as the absolute best in natural hair care and styling of her generation. These two videos right here attest that it’s Whitney White.You better recognize!

And as a sidenote: I have to wonder if there is something about the name ‘Whitney.’ Anyone who has read this blog long enough understands that I hold the late, great Whitney Houston in the highest esteem among vocalists of any genre. She easily makes any listing or ranking, in my opinion, as the greatest singer to ever pick up a microphone. And now we have Whitney White, holding it down as the best to ever do a big chop and never look back.

So let the discussion forums meanies huff and puff. Let the reformed creamy crackheads who were in danger of relapse find new strength. Whitney’s got your back.

Let’s All Keep Charles Barkley’s (Latest) Tirade in Context

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There they go again, the outside world making it all but impossible for me to stay in my lane, mind my own business, and live a quiet mixed-family life. This time, Charles Barkley — not known to keep his highly charged opinions to himself — has weighed in on some intra-racial conflicts between a couple of NFL players.

The backstory, according to a report in The Grio, is that one of the reasons wide receiver Percy Harvin was traded to the Jets was his “increasing animosity” towards Russell Wilson, the quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks. Part of the root of that animosity, Freeman writes, is that Harvin and several other players felt Wilson was “too close” to the front office and – yes, not “black enough.” That was enough to set off basketball legend Barkley, who expressed complete frustration with whom he called “unintelligent Blacks.” Appearing on a Philadelphia radio talk show, Barkley said:

It’s a dirty dark secret in the black community. One of the reasons we’re never going to be successful as a whole [is] because of other black people. For some reason, we are brainwashed to think that if you’re not a thug, or an idiot, you’re not black enough. If you go to school, make good grades and speak intelligent[ly] and don’t break the law, you’re not a good black person.

I can’t say I disagree with Barkley here. I can remember being harassed very early on in grade school by other classmates for “acting white.” Yes, that whole tendency of mine to use clean language, solid grammar, dress neatly, not participate in cheating in the classroom and making great grades. That sort of “white behavior.”

But the worst stings came from the people in church who felt the same way. There was no escape from peers who were skeptical about my conservative ways. There was no sanctuary in the sanctuary of our little cathedral in Paterson, or the Sunday School class sessions in the mezzanine loft, or the small grassy yard where we had “recess” between Sunday School and midday service. Every now and then, I would get peppered with silly questions:

‘Why do you always use those ‘big words?’

‘You act so white!’

One day at church, while the kids were waiting to be served supper in the Fellowship Hall, I pulled out a paperback and started to read. A few minutes in, a female voice over my head snarled “Give me a break!” Then a hand reached down and snatched the book out of my hand. It was the daughter of our bishop and prelate, a full-grown woman with kids younger than me, who just felt like the sight of me reading, yet again, was irritating at that moment.

Barkley makes a good point — even if it is easily overshadowed by an important counterargument, which I will get to later. Blacks can’t succeed corporately without a few good brains behind the operations. We need a deeper appreciation of the discipline, focus, and yes, good old-fashioned smarts that it takes to succeed in today’s world. We’ve all heard the stories of how President Barack Obama’s mother used to wake him up in the hellacious wee hours of the morning to review homework before school. How do the boneheads harassing Russell Wilson, and others in that ilk, think we got the likes of Ursula Burns, Eric Holder, or Cheryl Boone Isaacs. Do they think these good people goofed around half the day? Do they even know who those people are and how they shape our culture?

We will probably never put away the petty, low-brow nitpicking on people with first-rate brains. In what culture, nation, race or other large cohort do the smart ones ever have it easy? If you look into the childhood stories of some of humanity’s best minds, you’ll probably find sad stories from childhoods punctuated with taunting and torment from peers, no doubt. Being intelligent and accomplished often means being different, and kids punish the different ones. A lot of people just don’t think it’s a big deal at all to be uneducated and uninformed about life around them. A friend of mine openly admitted to me about 10 years ago — in casual conversation, now — that she had just realized the Earth revolved around the Sun. We were both grown women at the time — she had been working for a number of years and I was out of college. I remember once goofing the location of Peru once in the office, and I felt like disappearing. I would never want to admit openly to not knowing things like that. But some people — and I’m sure they exist in every culture — feel no shame about betraying their own ignorance in open, casual conversation.

I think it’s best if the undereducated and underperforming ones in our midst just quiet down and get used to the fact that the thinking, reading, rational, well-rounded achievers are not going anywhere. Better get used to the likes of Russell Wilson and the others I’ve mentioned above, since a lot of Black people actually revere erudition and achievement over feckless coonery.

And for the record, I don’t agree with some of the readers comments I’ve seen on this issue. In a frightening betrayal of ignorance about U.S. history, some are claiming that this petty internal strife is what’s really holding Black people back. But also, Charles Barkley himself puts another stunningly ignorant and patently false notion out there about what impedes our progress. He said:

“Unfortunately, as I tell my white friends, we as black people, we’re never going to be successful not because of you white people but because of other black people,” Barkley said. “When you’re black, you have to deal with so much crap in your life from other black people. It’s a dirty, dark secret; I’m glad it’s coming out.”

No ma’am! It is safe to say Jim Crow laws, three-fifths rules, the Willie Lynch papers, and other written, documented blueprints for racism and oppression written into the code of the United States have been the bigger enemy to Blacks than petty infighting between the brazenly ignorant and the smart kids. If you want to talk about what the impediment has been to our progress over the years, it’s been Jim Crow laws, redlining and social and economic disenfranchisement. In modern times, we continue to contend with voter suppression laws and police brutality, mainly. The nitwits who taunted Wilson for being “too white,” or the myopic ward heelers who harangued U.S. Senator Cory Cooker (D-N.J.) for not being Black enough, or even the ones from my childhood who tried to throw fists with me over the issue, are nothing compared to the legislators — sworn to uphold the U.S. Constitution, by the way — who are conspiring to weaken our fundamental rights to vote. Their taunts are a hiccup compared to oppression of the armed and uniformed brutes who are supposed to protect all citizens, but wield justice with deadly force when it comes to Black men. Barkley doesn’t know what he’s talking about here. He can placate and brainwash his white friends if he wants to, people who are informed know better.

Every so often I run into a young Black person who claims that college, “isn’t for me,” or that the experience of being in a lecture hall or classroom is “soul sucking,” because “my heart wasn’t in it.” I tell those young people to awaken their brains, and push themselves to get something after high school. When it comes to succeeding in today’s world, you’ll find that the ones who can sit down, focus and string together trains of thought in a smooth and logical way are the ones who will call the shots. So to bring it back to the NFL, Russell Wilson holds the position of quarterback, the thinker who has to keep strategies in mind and run the plays. If he’s doing a great job, of course they’re going to keep him over idiot playing petty games off the field. It’s the same way in the big, wide world. So get with it: Use your ever-loving mind, before you lose the race.

Keep Calm and Date Interracially

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So apparently Robert Pattinson, the heart throb from the Twilight franchise has been broken up from Kristen Stewart, who played the human-turned-vampire girlfriend in the same movie series. You might say, “Lady, this is old news! Get with it!”

But wait! Plot twist!

Apparently, Robert Pattinson has left his vampire lover boy persona far behind, and has gone on to date another woman, the British singer Tahliah Barnett, known by her stage name FKA Twigs. This has severely upset some of the more ardent “fangirls” out there who cannot conceive of a universe, real or alternate, in which Edward and his human prey/girlfriend/bride do not exchange vows in a nighttime ceremony and make a rapidly growing baby on the honeymoon night. Apparently, I’m not the one who needs to get with it, because some of these women have been lobbing racist insults at FKA Twigs, the singer-dancer who is of Jamaican and Spanish descent. Some of the responses are clearly from people who are off their meds, like this one on TwitLonger. It got to the point where FKA Twigs took to Twitter to decry some of the more detestable remarks.

This isn’t an isolated incident, either. Apparently, when Nicole Beharie and Michael Fassbender were an item (how in the world did I miss that one??), some white women apparently took to the Internet to plead to their comrades in lust to “open their legs and save him” from his current state. So now Black women who date interracially are dealing with open hatred and harassment from two groups of people: Black men who defame us by calling us nothing more than bed wenches (led by like the delusional Rush Limbaugh wannabe on YouTube, who makes it his life’s work to smear Black women every chance he gets). And now, slightly incredibly, white women are in on the IR bashing.

Obviously, there is no way to quell feelings of competition, envy and resentment between women of different races when one of the alpha males from one of their groups goes up for grabs. I remember a similar, but much tamer incident that happened in biology class during freshman year at college. We were assembled in the lecture hall during the first few days of class when a hand-some guy, who happened to be tall, white and blonde, strolled in. Every young woman in the class watched him as he made his way through the room and found a seat. I couldn’t help but look around at some of the girls’ faces, full of longing and admiration. When I left off of doing that, I realized that “Seth” had taken a seat near me — close enough so that when the instructor distributed the handouts and there weren’t enough for everyone in the lecture hall, he moved seats to sit next to me. I have to admit, I thought it was cool. Who wouldn’t want to sit next to a good-looking, confident, laid-back guy? Believe me, I wasn’t confident enough to like, create any expectations. It was just a few minutes worth of a simple pleasure, like watching a pretty sunset. But oh, it meant something to a couple of girls sitting a few rows behind me! As “Seth” and I started following the handout, I realized that a couple of girls — who were not Black — were trying to get my attention. I turned around and — oh joy! — they had somehow scared up another copy of the handout. In a hurried and anxious flurry, they tried to pass it to me so that I wouldn’t have to do anything reprehensible like sit next to one of their hotties and have a conversation.

Some girls are just pathetic and idiotic. It’s not like I wanted to “land” the guy. He was a nice distraction for a few minutes. Why they had to stew about it, I’ll never know. I bet they ate their hearts out while “Seth” cracked jokes with me, and carried on in his friendly, neighborly way. And let me tell you, that’s not the first time I’ve met with girls’ hostile c–k blocking. It wasn’t always interracial, either. Girls in general just sometimes shed their integrity and pride when a cute boy unexpectedly pays heed to another girl. But guess what ladies in heat? Guys don’t like to be hunted, and if a girl makes it obvious that she has designs on him, he is likely to seek a moment’s respite with a girl who is not on the prowl. So you have a better chance of getting his attention — and respect — if you just chill.

The whole college biology class incident was way back in the 90s, before the term “thirsty” entered our urban lexicon. Those chicks were parched, hunny. And now that I look back at my early 20s, boys form other cultures routinely crossed the color line to talk to me. I didn’t think anyone cared about those moments back then, but nowadays? Well, whoa! I’m starting to think passions are likely to go off the charts.

But we can take a few gems away from this recent outbreak of venom against interracial love. If you’re experiencing blatant c–k blocking (as mentioned above) or nasty side glances while out on a dinner date (like I have), here are some tips on how to adjust your attitude and change the situation:

  • If it’s a flirtation, expect some competition. But keep your focus on him. Playing into their insecurities is a sign of weakness.
  • If the nitpicking continues, ask yourself if it bothers you enough to retaliate or flee the scene. If you retaliate, only respond to situations that present an immediate nuisance to you. I should have stuck my tongue out at the hostile onlookers from the other table when I was out to dinner with a guy I dated some time back.
  • If you’re out with your date and a white woman calls you something like “African queen,” and not in a complimentary way, tell her to speak up. “I didn’t hear you, what?” A lot of people back off when you shame them loudly.
  • If the situation becomes harassment, prod your Mister on what he thinks about the whole thing. He might not even have a clue as to what’s been going on. Men don’t always see and hear the details and nuances of situations. In the cases of these celebrities, a few wing-nut fangirls are not worth direct responses. But FKA Twigs did fire back at the women in general who were leaving nasty Tweets and remarks online about her. She seemed like a stranger to overt racism, which is probably to be expected in an age where that kind of hatred has been driven underground. Mr. Pattinson was oddly quiet, though. Like I said: Some men don’t get it as quickly as women do. Still, I know it was important for me that a man acknowledge the racial layer of my total identity. I’m many things: Christian, wife, mother, daughter, kinswoman, friend and writer. But being Black has weight in all of those experiences, and I’ll tell you that Hubby immediately understood that about me. He “got” why a visit to see his family in Georgia took an unsettling turn for me when I saw a white boy wave a huge Confederate flag right in front of me. He knows why I won’t venture out into some of these rural towns without him, his parents or one of my brothers-in-law. All white (or other) men who date Black women need to understand that the woman he likes or loves could come under special and withering scrutiny, harassment and even attacks because she had the nerve to be with him. And I’m old-fashioned: A guy should speak up for his lady. He should be her Boaz, sorry, and people should understand that she is under his protection, and that he is looking out for her best interests. I don’t judge the affection in the relationship of FKA Twigs and Pattinson, but the latter’s lack of a response tells me that he doesn’t know what he’s in for. Maybe it’s because they are both British, and over there Black women date out quite regularly. These crazy American fan-girls are only one representation of the real hatred and disgust that some harbor for his relationship.

The world is a less openly hostile place for interracial relationships, particularly any place outside of the U.S. As Americans, we mainly see the venom and vitriol here, where slavery really pit Blacks against whites. But Black women, and even very light-skinned biracial women like FKA Twigs, still need to know how to spot a hater and deflect the poison darts.

First-World Address, Third-World Problems

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We were all shocked and grieved by recent news accounts of the death of Mary Spears, a 27-year-old Detroit mother of three who was shot, ultimately, because she turned down romantic advances from a stranger.

It’s a tragedy that tears at all our hearts, or should, not only because it was an unspeakable act of cruelty, but also because it’s an example of the kind of dangerous and backward existence so many Black women face in this country. Black women are routinely treated with moral depravity at the hands of Black men – the very ones who should defend them the most in our society. It is the kind of misogyny and casual violence that we associate with the rough and remote warlord territories of Afghanistan or the repressive regimes of the emirates.

Now here is my pandering and obligatory disclaimer, for the oversensitive types who will rush to pan this post as a Black male-bashing effort: I’m not bashing or vilifying Black men. Ms. Spears’ fiancé tried to intervene before the shooting happened, so clearly he is a shining example of: a Black man who deplores violence; a Black man who is responsible enough to marry his girlfriend and give three Black children a full-time, attentive and protective father; and a Black man who thinks Black women should be able to move through society without being harassed and threatened with bodily harm. 

Yet the late Ms. Spears’ fiancé is a figure whose job in Black society is hindered by the troublemakers, and we all know this. How many communities are in the grip of violence, which shaped the mentality of that shooting suspect? How many times have I complained on this blog about Black men who I encounter in public who become enraged when I don’t feel like making idle chit chat with them? Clearly the shooting suspect is unstable, but I’m not willing to brush it under the rug of mental instability, or slap a bandage of “hurt people hurt people” on the situation. He has no impulse control, no anger management abilities, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a psychiatric or clinical psychological assessment revealed a dangerous personality disorder. It’s unclear as to what really drove this man to a murderous rage: Does a mental imbalance perhaps stem from untreated trauma from his youth; are his impulses unchecked because a father was never there to help him control them; or did he have a good upbringing but simply made poor decisions and looks down on women as less than him?

This is the kind of violence that we read about in dispatches from Third World nations, mainly Asia and the Middle East, where many of the men feel that women don’t have rights or feelings that need to be respected. She must keep her place and not seek betterment through education, and she has to submit to the desires of his id on demand, regardless of what place, if any, he has in her life. Over there, we call it backwardness and misogyny. Here, or London, Kingston or anywhere else Blacks of the diaspora are assembled, we call it Blackistan.

We have known that for a long time American Blacks have been socially and economically disenfranchised. Over time, social scientists believe or fear that it has relegated us to second-class status. I disagree. We’ve fallen well below second-class to third world. If researchers with the CIA World Factbook, the CDC, or the Bureau of Labor Statistics or the Pew Center were to assess the well being of Blacks as a separate society unto itself from Whites, the results would tell us that we are far behind the mainstream Whites in terms overall wellness. We can either become defensive about it, lapse into pro-Black denials, while ranting about the white supremacist systems that thwart all of our efforts to do better, and try to censor the message (I’m looking at you, Lisa McDonald), or we can take action. That does not always mean marrying out, and I’ll tell you why: I married a White man with Liberal (or Pluralistic, if you ask him) ideologies, and we jointly decided to live in an aging urban city in the Northeast. You can call it a “transitional neighborhood” or “pre-gentrified” all you want. The nearest high street has too many liquor stores, too many used condoms that litter the sidewalk, and so many idle riff-raff that when I used to send my little sister on errands to the local bodega, I strictly timed her and promised to come looking if she wasn’t back within the grace period. The next high street has too many drug-addled wraiths of people who used to be young with bright prospects, too many prostitutes and too many abandoned buildings. We didn’t escape the challenges of living in the inner cities, so I have to confront these issues as much as any other woman living in a distressed neighborhood.

There are too many, far too many, Black men who become violently, irrationally enraged when a woman tries to walk away from a relationship, or when she refuses to engage with him in public. We are not a Taliban-controlled society. We are Americans, and women are supposed to enjoy a world-class standard of living here. This kind of extreme violence, enabled by broken families, personal failings and yes, the irrational prevalence of military-grade guns, undercuts what we aim to be as a civil society. We need to deal with this problem and do so from all angles, and we need to be committed about it, not letting bruised egos suck us down into censorship tactics, or be stymied by squabbling among different factions in the Black community.

When it comes to my only child, a good-natured and polite girl who is growing up beautiful – I grow more fearful of what she will encounter in the days when she moves through our city unattended. As a matter of fact, Hubby and I had to deal with a situation at her school recently where she tried to ignore the inappropriate advances of a boy classmate. None of our suggested tactics or teacher intervention worked, until one day we were preparing dinner in the kitchen and she told us that the boy had touched her on her privates, and when she moved to correct him, she was detained by the teacher. We did eventually bring this up with the teacher and have since worked out an acceptable solution. We are still happy with the school, but I am concerned about that little boy. Which older sibling or older male relative taught him invalidate a woman’s ‘no,’ to pester her, and overstep boundaries to get what he wants anyway? Someone is failing him, and if steps are not taken to correct his behavior, I fear we’ll read about his arrest, trial and sentencing — or worse — one day in the newspaper.

Mary Spears’ experience is not unheard of in cities that have a Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard – and what a heartbreaking irony! It’s another failing on our part to get a grip on these issues and stop losing young people to such violence. Somewhere in America right now an attractive young Black woman is rejecting the advances of a paramour. May God watch over and protect her until we get it right.