Duncan and Paulette: First Day of Work

A good friend of mine (I won’t say who) knows computers inside & out and got access to the work and private email accounts of some of her colleagues (I won’t say how). Anyway, knowing about my blog, she downloaded the messages and passed them to me one day, quite nonchalantly, thinking they made entertaining reading. She was right. For the most part, she skipped over all of the boring work-related content, except for a few choice company memos, which ended up being very funny.

“Go ahead and print them,” she told me, waving her hand. “Who cares? I mean, reality TV is huge, right? People like to be on display. They’ll be celebrities.”

“Well, OK. But this is super sensitive stuff. And you’ve only pulled email messages from a small circle of people, mainly these two here—Duncan and Paulette.”

“That’s because their emails are the most interesting ones. Everybody’s eyes are on them, at work, at home, on the basketball court. The salon, the coffee shop, the nail …”

“Who are these people?”

“I told you. Some interesting co-workers. Their lives are like a big, flaky drama. Read the messages. You’ll see what I mean.”

“What if you get busted for stealing these emails?” By that time, my friend had waved me off and begun sipping her soy mega-grande latte, or whatever extravagantly priced coffee she happened to be drinking that day. She seemed really unconcerned about it, so I started reading them.

To: Paulette Barrow

From: Emma Billingsley

Date: June 18, 8:30 a.m., EST

Subject: I Saw your Soooouuul Mate!!

Guess who I saw coming out of the coffee shop? The one you should marry! He’s 6’2″, got wavy-ish brown hair, chocolatey brown eyes—the kind like Hershey’s kisses, not regular hum-drum everyday brown eyes— and dimples. AND, he was coming out of a coffee shop carrying … tea!

To: Emma Billingsley

From: Paulette Barrow

Date: June 18, 8:35 a.m., EST

Re: Subject: I Saw your Sooouul Mate!!

That sounds nothing like Ralph, who is my actual fiance. Remember him?

To: Paulette Barrow

From: Emma Billingsley

Date: June 18, 8:37 a.m., EST

Re: Subject: I Saw your Sooouul Mate!!

Now you’ve gone and ruined my muffin … by talking about Barf.

To: Emma Billingsley

From: Paulette Barrow

Date: June 18, 8:40 a.m., EST

Re: Subject: I Saw your Sooouul Mate!!

His name is Ralph!

To: Paulette Barrow

From: Emma Billingsley

Date: June 18, 8:41 a.m., EST

Re: Subject: I Saw your Sooouul Mate!!

BARF!

To: STAFF — New York

From: Henry Peche, CEO

Re: New Director of Content Development

Wednesday, June 18, 2009; 9:00 a.m., EST

Good morning, New York staff. One year ago, our firm began investing in proprietary workflow technology, after several months of developing organic solutions to our unique and complex back-office needs. This is a rare step for mid-size broker-dealer, and one that puts is in very small company, but the experiment has yielded efficiencies measurable in tangible dollar profits. The new trading and clearing capabilities have exceeded our internal broker dealer needs and created excess capacity that we can monetize in the advisory marketplace. Thus, we have decided to make the initiative a permanent business segment within the Bainesbridge White Group.  Ultimately, this ensures that we expand our scale and position ourselves more competitively in our corner of the brokerage industry.

We have appointed Wesley Burnham, our current chief information officer and special programs director, and the driving force behind the new platform initiative, to fill the newly created position of senior vice president of advisory  business development. Wesley is familiar to all of you, as he has been a part of the Bainesbridge White Group for nine years. Previously, he managed technology development for D.L. Hutchinson in Boston.  Paulette Barrow, a proven dynamo in Wesley’s group, who played a key role in ensuring the smooth integration of our new system with the existing dashboard, has been promoted to client relationship manager, reporting to Wesley.

We also have news in our research department. Joining the Bainesbridge White Group, and the research team, is Duncan Hastings as a senior equity analyst. Duncan comes to us from Stofel & Case, where he tracked the commodities sector. Please welcome me in congratulating Wesley and Paulette, and in extending a warm Bainesbridge welcome to Duncan.

To: Paulette Barrow

From: Emma Billingsley

Date: June 18, 3:30 p.m., EST

Subject: OMG, That’s Him

Honestly, Paulette. I wouldn’t make up something like that. That new dude in research looks exactly like your soul mate from the coffee shop. You should go over and introduce yourself before one of these other calculating hussies ties him up! Do I have to think of everything?

To: Emma Billingsley

From: Paulette Barrow

Date: June 18, 3:45 p.m., EST

Re: OMG, That’s Him

I’m ENGAGED already!  You are really not being fair to Ralph. IF I happen to come across this guy for work-related business, then I’ll introduce myself, but not before! Now, PLZ(!!!) pull yourself together and be nice for the engagement party. If anything bad happens, you’re on ‘administrative leave’ as maid of honor.

To: Paulette Barrow

From: Emma Billingsley

Date: June 18, 3:45 p.m., EST

Re: OMG, That’s Him

‘K.

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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Duncan & Paulette: Congratulations « The Latte Cafe - July 3, 2010

    […] gone back to sifting through those emails I mentioned in an earlier post. I can’t believe I’ve neglected them for this long. They are […]

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